Allied:  (2016)

Lake Delton AMC Desert Star.  6:40pm show.  Ticket Price: 10.53 + $4.25 for “small” water. 

If you have ever looked at your spouse, or significant other, boyfriend / girlfriend and thought to yourself…  This is not the person I thought they were…   Then, do not see this movie.  It will only confirm your darkest suspicions. 

(Spoilers alert!)

One of the dangers of viewing lots of movies… especially when putting on the “Movie Reviewers cap”, you notice you become hyper-critical about certain things in movies… certain themes or motifs where you roll your eyes and that completely interrupts the story.  

Anytime you go, “Oh, the director put that there because…”  takes you completely out of the story, and lessens the enjoyment of the play in front of you. 

Lately, at least the newly released films… I’m seeing this more often.  Which brings me to the Movie, Allied.  Starring beautiful Brad Pitt and beautiful Marion Cotillard.  They are both deep undercover agents in 1942 Casablanca, one a flight commander and the other a French Resistance fighter. They meet in a covert mission… fall in love, get married and move back to London.  There Max faces the possibility that the love of his life, and the mother of his child is a German spy. 

The good: Oh, my!  Marion Cotillard.  I think I have figured out what “my kind of woman” really means…  I’ve always said that I should have been born in another time and place, and now I know this is true.  She is the most amazing, beautiful woman I’ve seen on screen in a long time.  That underlying, smoldering French sexiness and sleepy eyes wrapped in a classic satin nightgown..  I am smitten!  oooh! La La! 

The fact that she is the love interest in the Midnight in Paris movie, helps too.  Ah, Paris!

Brad Pitt isn’t bad either, though he seems to have adapted that stoic, classic German look of stone-faced indignity a little too well.  Lost is his boyish, mischievous, gum-smacking grin (The Ocean movies) and in this movie, that suits him very well. 

In this movie, you can almost draw some parallels between the Mr. and Mrs. Smith movie with his now ex-wife.  Both secret agents.  Both consummate professionals (as such, professional liars).  Both hiding something from the other….

The Bad:  This is one of my pet peeves in modern movies lately.  Ever since The Hunger Games, it appears that young children and extreme violence in the same movie frame are a thing now.  Towards the end, when Max walks in and shoots the Nanny in the forehead, his 1 year old daughter is in the crib, within view.  Yes, I know… she’s only 1… but still.  Why?

I believe I know why you see this more often: Writers and directors have discovered that children in harm’s way provokes an emotional response from the audience.  Apparently, a child near violence is about the only thing we are not emotionally dead from, therefore they use it as a cheap plot device. 

And I hate it.  Seems to me kids are just having a rough enough time as it is, just being kids (in real life too).  This movie is smartly written and the plot was good enough, it certainly did not need this.  He could have shot the Nanny and then ran upstairs to retrieve the little girl.  See? Nothing lost but a few seconds of film.  Maybe that’s the problem, I guess. 

Same thing with asses.  Nudity in film is of course, nothing new.  But, I do wonder exactly who made the conscience decision to frame the love scene in both the bed and the automobile to feature the ass cheeks of Mr. Pitt.  It does make one wonder about some of the conversations that take place in certain Hollywood offices, doesn't it?

“Say Garland, please ask Mr. Pitt about the ass shots in the movie.  Is he willing to okay them, or not?  We need to know before the final cuts…” 

“Sure, JB.  I just did, and Pitt’s agent agreed that he is willing to feature the ass in the two shots we discussed earlier.  However, he would like an extra million for that.”

“One million for a man’s POOPER?  Well, I suppose… if it gets the “50 shades” bored horny housewives vote…  I have paid more….  Okay, just gently remind him that we can always get an ass double, to do the scenes.  Like they don’t get enough work these days…. “ (rolls eyes)

“Okay, JB, I’m on it!” 

The love scenes were certainly erotic enough without that. Especially in the automobile during the sandstorm…  I’m a doing it in a car kinda guy myself.  Something wild and uninhibited about that… If not a bit cramped…

The other thing is the gratuitous and obvious use of Casablanca as romance center point, rendezvous, or starting point.  The clothing, the style, and some of the scenes were copiously copied from the 1942 classic of the same name.  Oh, come on!  I’m sort of surprised they didn’t have the omnipresent white search light from the town square.

I get it, Casablanca equals a modern yearning for far-flung, romance and epic stylishness so missing in the modern world.  I long for that too.  However, this just seems so in-your-face… it’s like; okay, here’s where the hero invariably wins the day…   Here’s where he flagrantly disobeys orders…  

Still, if you could judge a movie on just stylishness alone, this one is truly amazing.  I just wish there wouldn’t have been so many of those Hollywood “reminders” that we are, indeed, in a MOVIE.  Never did I get lost in the story.  Not once. 

Also: So the lesbian sister..... You're saying in 1943 London...  Max's sister would be so caviler and open about her relationship with a woman?  Come on, now!!! I doubt it.  It almost seems like another (Yes, ANOTHER) Hollywood device to include our modern sensibilities into what is another plot device.  What other reason did this character exist, then? I'm not sure she did much other than this...   

Finally the ending.  How heartbreaking could you possibly make it?  I disliked the ending immensely.   I could have forgiven all the other movie techniques and clichés, if only it could have ended…..oh, I don’t know… differently. 

It didn’t need to end happily, but to have the woman put a bullet in her head?  Even in the movie Casablanca, the guy didn’t get the girl… but, you know Ilsa could have ended that way too…. Oh, I love Rick, but I’m going with Laszo… I know, I just kill myself. Click, click…boom.     

Like everything else in the movie, it felt like a cheap trick (and not the band, either)… 

I think this shows the inclination for Hollywood to finally pull the trigger, and do the remake of Casablanca that has been rumored for ages.  My only hope is they play it straight with the audience…  no twists, please.  As in, Casablanca as told from the point of view of Lazlo…. Oh, god....Please, NO! 

If Casablanca is re-made someday soon... Please consider Marion Cotillard for the part of Ilsa.  And I begging you... no making love ass-shots, okay? Let us use our imaginations...  

Out of ten stars, I would rate Allied a solid 6.  It’s not a bad date movie (as long they do not fit the description I listed at the top), but I would rent it, instead.  And if you're a single rent out Inglorious Bastards.. followed by The Dirty Dozen.  

If you are lucky enough to have a date… 

Please; make it Casablanca with a side order of Couscous and Champagne cocktails…